You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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