She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
