Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
