haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
