Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
