GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
