hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
