I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently you make a good broom.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
