i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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