ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
