Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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