i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
