remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
