i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i will never coherently bang her
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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