i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
