You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Randomize
