if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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