I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
