May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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