I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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