I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
