at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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