Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also, beer. Big fan.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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