If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
