My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
