This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
