bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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