You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
