While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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