I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
