I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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