Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
worst night to have a conscience
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
