shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
