Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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