Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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