After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
