If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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