I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ladies don't puke and tell
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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