If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
