Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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