Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
