make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
