I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
