New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
