between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
