According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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