Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
God, I missed his penis.
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