Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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