Just took my morning after pill in the library
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
