he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
