it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
