you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
